From the depths of despair

September 18, 2006

By Michael Payne

In 1974 I was discharged from active military duty at 24 years of age and went into business with my father. I had the attitude by working hard I would be hugely successful, have a happy wife, provide well for my family, be respected by all in the community, and achieve self-worth through materialism. But alcohol, drugs, adultery and a house devoid of Jesus make a sure-fire recipe for disaster.

I began drinking at 16, started smoking pot at 19, was separated from my wife at 25, committing adultery at 26, and gambling heavily at 27. By 32 I was hooked on cocaine.

My expanding habit soon hit 3-4 grams a day. I would not sleep for three days or so at a time because of the cocaine’s impact. I was drinking a fifth of Jack Daniels a day to cool off the effects of the drug.

I would make my 11-year-old son play video games in the other room so I could snort cocaine and drink. My youngest son was still an infant and my wife was an airline hostess so she was gone most of the time. I was alone and running wild on the proverbial “sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll.” These were the things I thought would bring me happiness and peace. But the desperation in my heart could never fill that God-shaped void only He could occupy.

In 1986 I came home one night after stopping at my favorite bar. My wife started to yell at me. I went into the bedroom, packed a box of clothes, and went to a hotel room. She moved out three days later.

On the surface, things looked to be improving in my life. I was building paper wealth and buying a couple of good pieces of property. I was the picture of prosperity. I remarried in 1988 after a divorce from my first wife.

That marriage began to fill with all kinds of arguments inflamed by alcohol, jealousy, suspicion, immaturity and insecurity. We subjected our children, who were a blended family, to an abusive, alcoholic and drug-infested atmosphere.

This cycle went on until 1999, when our relationship had become so violent and hopeless I found a house in the country and moved out, all without telling my wife. It was a Saturday. The next day I went to church. I had never really sought for God. But He met me that day. The pastor said something that hit me between the spiritual eyes. She said, “If you do not know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you will not go to heaven, you will go to hell.”

I went back to my lonely house and started reading the Bible to investigate what she had said. Praise God, for He is faithful. He gave me a hunger and thirst for His Word. I read the Bible every spare minute. I would read until I fell asleep and then I would just wake up at 3 or 4 a.m. and read until I went to work at 6:30. God kept bringing people into my life and giving me the places in Scripture that not only provided answers but resolved new questions I did not know enough to have.

On December 17, 1999, after a time of great despair and distress, the Lord Jesus Christ came into my life as I sat on the floor and gave my life to Him. I did not know what had happened to me. I have had a joy in my heart from that point until this day, and it has only grown deeper.

I did not care that I had hardly any money or that I was alone in an old rundown farmhouse. I had peace and joy in my life like never before. I was forever delivered from depression, deep mood swings, symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and thoughts of suicide after inviting Jesus into my life.

One week after being saved I was on my way to work and praising God. I was filled with the Holy Spirit as He came into my life with His power. Two months later Jesus showed me I would be on radio in ministry. He promised to do this if I was humble, obedient to Him, and transparent about my life both past and present for the glory of Jesus Christ, so others would see there is hope for all who will turn to Jesus as Lord and Savior.

God is bringing that dream to reality through Take A Stand Media Ministries. I pray people everywhere will be given the opportunity to encounter my Savior. Though there have been challenges, there has always been the knowledge since I came to Jesus that whatever the trial, if I keep my eyes on Him, I will come through it in victory.

The Lord has shown me time and again it is not by my power or might but by His Spirit that I can have victory and joy in every situation. Jesus is everything to me and everything else is secondary.

Michael Payne is president of Take A Stand Media Ministries in Winchester, Va. Find out more about his ministry at www.takeastandministries.org.